// Today wasn’t a good emotional day. Today I had tears. Lots of tears. //

….there’s always tomorrow.

// Things I Wish Sex Ed Taught Me//

“Sometimes it’s important to be a person first & a gender second”

1. Masturbation is the key for great sex: Don’t judge me, we all do it. If you don’t, well I’m judging you. It’s important that everyone masturbates regularly. Congress should pass a law that you have to become a professional masturbator before you can lose your virginity. There’s no way you can possibly have your needs satisfied or satisfy another’s if you don’t know what it is you like. I was a late bloomer (not saying that was a bad thing). I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 18 & didn’t have sex until I was 21. I seriously had no fucking clue what I was doing. I had never even touched myself because I thought everyone would know. I had watched a few porn flicks, but not enough to actually pick up on anything. I had no idea what I was suppose to be feeling, what I wanted to feel, or how I was suppose to make my partner feel. The first few years was definitely a trial and error period. Once I started masturbating regularly, I found what it was I like and realized not everyone could do it for me. 

2. Silence is for the weak minded: You MUST be vocal during sex. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, tell them. I’m not saying to be a coldhearted bitch, but find a way to make them aware you’re displeased. I just began to become vocal. I realized that I’m getting too old to not be satisfied and let it go excused. If I could go back in time I would definitely let my voice be heard. I had Daniel*, who when he kissed I felt like he was swallowing my entire face. I had Chris*, who had obviously never been told that he was unaware on how to properly eat vagina. Then I had Thomas*, who was actually pretty good, but that’s where it stopped. After years of sex with him, it was just ‘pretty good’, no real peak. He needed to be brought off his high horse and introduced to some new fucking moves (no pun intended). 

3. Fake it until he makes it: This is not to be confused with my aforementioned statement about being vocal if the sex is displeasing. This is geared towards those times when you’re just not going to finish. Studies indicate that women often times do not climax, whereas a man can climax each and every time. There were plenty of times with Thomas* that the sex was feeling good, but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. I would end up getting bored and wanted him to hurry up and cum. So, to speed up the process I would put on the best performance of my life. I mean going all out. I would moan, scratch, bite, grab ass (he loved that) and of course do the one thing that gets every man, call his name. Within seconds flat, he would make the goal, sort of say. A little ego boosting goes a long way, especially if you’re in a hurry to catch your favorite show. 

4. There are fluids and lots of it: There will be a wet spot and you may end up sleeping in it. 

5. Confidence and desire are needed: If you’re not confident in what you’re doing, you’re going to suck at it. If you don’t have a desire to do what you’re doing, you’re going to suck at it. Ladies, if you’re going to give head you have to enjoy doing so. I find the reality of the situation is you’re going to be better with some than others. It’s your partners responsibility to make you feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible. A lot of us hate when guys ask for head. Let me clarify, we don’t hate the act, we hate the fact they ask. I personally enjoy doing it, but I want to do it because I want to. I also find that the sexier my partner makes me feel, the more open I am to doing anything for, with and to them. Not to mention, the better I am at it. 

Maybe I should write the public school systems and suggest they implement these things in their Sex Education curriculum. 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent & often, not so innocent.

// As A Woman….//

“You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone, or maybe she was good for your ego, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t lover her because you don’t destroy the person that you love”

This is going to be a short entry, but I felt the need to voice my opinion about something (as I always do). 

Whenever a male cheats on his girlfriend or wife, often times we as women are able to find forgiveness in our hearts for the man, but wish the most horrible things on the woman. 

In my past relationship I was cheated on multiple times. I was judged by peers, friends and family for always accepting my boyfriend’s apology and taking him back. They would always shout at how it was insane for me to hate these women, but not him. The truth is/was, I didn’t hate ALL the women. I realized that some of them were just as much of a victim as I was. Some of them had no idea about me and were lead to believe he was single. 

But then you had the ones who did know……

The women who knew are the ones that I don’t care for. Even if they were unaware of me at first, they didn’t back off when they learned of me. In my opinion as women we are suppose to uplift and support one another; we’re women. They took something from me; stole something like petty little thieves. Somehow I was always the one left humiliated and ashamed. I view them as nothing more than traitorous bitches. 

So no, I do not fault females for having hatred in their heart for the person their spouse cheats with. If we can’t depend on each other to be loyal as women, how could we possibly expect loyalty from men. 

// Happiness Is A State of Mind//

“I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you dreamt of; I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love.”

This past weekend I celebrated my 24th birthday. The place I am now compared to where I was last year is completely different. It was exactly one year ago that I felt as if my world had crumbled. I didn’t understand what was happening to me or even why. I shut down not only emotionally, but physically. For an entire year I forgot what happiness was. I would cry daily. I became so good at crying, I could do it whenever I needed for as long as I needed, and to whatever degree I felt was appropriate.

I no longer cry.

I woke up one day and realized that I was compromising my integrity to gain the love and affection of another. I was sacrificing what I needed in the long run for what I wanted in the present. I was belittled and constantly verbally abused. I was being forced to prove my worthiness, for someone who wasn’t worthy of it (all this for someone who I now see I didn’t love, but was more so infatuated with). I may not have been the best, but I’m certainly was not the worst. It took me a very long time to understand that their unhappiness with them self is what caused them to treat me the way they did. They constantly judged not only me, but others for the way they were, the way the needed to be, and the changes they made, both inside and out. Their vanity was nothing but an illusion created to disguise their own unhappiness, within. The type of person they need to be with is someone who will coddle them. Someone who is weak and will allow to be treated any kind of way. There is no longer a need within me for this person. All I can do is thank them for sparring me anymore of the hell and torture that came with the “relationship”. Thank them for helping me become a better woman, even though they have yet to find the man they’re suppose to be. Thank them for helping me close this chapter.

The independent woman I was forced to become at such a young age has returned. I transformed. I became. I changed. I am happy and have learned to love again.

I don’t have much to show of my 24 years, but of the few things I do, my strength is in the top five. I will never have to prove my worthiness to another. I will never feel insignificant or inferior. I will be satisfied and equally satisfy another. I will not settle for less than a proud partner. Someone who is proud of what I have overcome, done, and who I continue to be, for him, with him, and in spite of him. My broken heart is no longer sealed, but finally healed.